I hate having social anxiety problems. Hate it. I want to go out and do social things, I want to have fun at fun parties, but instead I feel like I want to run away and hide/cry in the corner while everyone else is having a ball. It's not just something I can just "get over" or "stop being like that". I don't do this cuz I want to. I absolutely hate this part of myself, but I have no idea what to do other than put myself in situations and hope for the best.
Went to a party last night that I wanted to go to and I really wanted to have a good time and I was for a while, but then it started getting to me. I know exactly what my triggers are and I do my best to deal with em, but it just isn't enough. I know the things that set me off include, but aren't limited to: the loudness of everyone, the amount of people that I didn't know, the fact that everyone was drinking (which I don't do, but I feel like I might have to start if I ever want to be able to deal with this) and just generally feeling like an outcast who doesn't belong cuz I don't talk a lot. At one point, I thought I was about to have a panic attack. I started getting really hot, dizzy and I wanted to run, but I stood there and tried to hide and tried to ignore it. I don't want to be "that girl" at the party ruining it for everyone else, which is the reason I don't go to parties often.
I can deal with it if people are calm and there are only like 3-5 people total there I know well. That seems to be the only thing I know I'm comfortable at. Anything else, I am a nervous wreck and crying on the inside while I try to make my outside not show that. I have a hard time talking to one person that I don't know, so of course groups of them terrify me.
I don't know why this is so hard for me. I'm the only one struggling with it no matter where I go. I try not to cling to one person while I'm out, but I don't know what else to do. I feel like I need a staple there to keep me grounded, but when I lose that, I feel I've lost the race and might as well leave. I feel like I'm too annoying or not interesting enough for other people to want to talk to. I don't think I'm an aggressive enough talker to join in on conversations, both because I don't like interrupting people and cuz I'm afraid to sound stupid. I'm usually so nervous, my brain doesn't work well and I can't do anything other than small talk. I feel like I scare people off cuz I look mean or don't know what to say. I'm never, ever being mean while I'm at parties, but I know I come across that way cuz I'm awkward.
I just don't know what to do. It's just not getting better. I feel like a failure cuz of my problems. Why can't I just deal with people? Why is this so hard?